I watched the “session” tonight. It’s a movie based on a true story about a severely disabled man hiring a sexual surrogate to help him come to terms with his sexual desires and repair his self-image.
I cried, of course. I can’t hold back tears if my life depends on it these days. If my soul is an instrument, it couldn’t ever be a violin, a guitar, or a cello, it has to be an organ, a monstrous and terribly heavy thing crawling with tubes and strings, custom-made like the ones hung in ancient European Catholic churches, one that has to be installed by multiple handymen and require constant fine-tuning and dusting. Everything touches my strings, from the faintest smell of jasmine in the spring time to the fictionalized account of a handicapped man’s journey. Now that more than a third of my life is over, I realize with no small certainty and sadness how profoundly flawed it is to carry an organ of a heart like it. It wishes it is the size of the world; it wishes to beat more than just my own beats, but also the beat of others. It refuses to grow callouses even with age. But how lonely it can get in all its emotional wanderings to unfamiliar places.
It’s strange…the older I get the more I feel that I lead an uncommon life. Uncommon not as in grand, majestic, or famous; uncommon as in unusual and non-ordinary (with zero intent of self-praise). I don’t dwell on these feelings (remember, I tend to feel too much?) but it never disappears.
Anyway, I immediately Googled and read the article that the movie was based on. It wasn’t very long and was written by a handicapped man Mark O’Brien, who passed away in 1999. By the end of the article, it seemed that he did not find the salvation that he had hoped for and he was just as lonely as he was before he lost his virginity to the sexual surrogate. I find it sad that he did not find a way to rescue himself from the self doubts and fears. It is one thing to “feel too much” and quite another to dwell on these feelings and not be able to move on from these moments.
I wish he rest in peace, and if there is an after life, I wish he could live more care-freely and release himself from the self-imposed prison that seemed to have governed his days on earth.